Steve is looking sheepish as I make my way into training. He’s been avoiding me all week, and quickly darts up to the boardroom where I suspect he has locked the door. The youth team debacle means that there are just 23 players in the entire club, and I have almost no resources to add to them. Still, Jose Alcocer comes in to fill the vacant coaches position. He has great all round stats and can make a real difference on the training pitch. I select Charly Paquille from a list of applicants to be my Assistant. His first piece of advice is to switch Damien Durand from his favoured Inverted Winger position to an out and out winger. I may have made a mistake.
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After the traditional warm up against the Reserves we pile on the coach for a few days in Caen. This was a friendly I wouldn’t have chosen – I haven’t really got to know the team, or the ground. I barely know the way to my office, which is essentially a shed next to the rubble of the demolished south stand. But instead of learning the ropes, I’m sent to the other side of the country to take on USON Mondeville, a small amateur side out in Normandy’s regional leagues. I blame Steve. I will always blame Steve.
The game itself is promising in some ways. We restrict the amateur side to a handful of half chances, and our analyst – who appears to be a 14 year old on work experience – tells me their xG is just 0.22. I love a clean sheet, so to put in such an effective defensive performance so soon into my training regime bodes well. And we create chances for fun, 25 in all. But we can’t score. We only hit the target with two of them. I jot down in my notebook to schedule some more chance conversion training. Then Jason Tre tries to land his penalty in the Atlantic, some ten miles away, I put in some penalty practice too.
Most of the rest of the friendlies are around Paris, and they come thick and fast. There is no money for transfers, so I tweak the training and wait for Steve to find me a Senior Affiliate. By Saturday we are welcoming Melun to our dilapidated home, who play in the seventh tier. Learn the system, increase the fitness, build the confidence. There’s no need to put in any challenges just yet.
This time it’s much better. We create even more chances, and restrict them to fewer, but there’s four divisions difference so we can’t read too much into that. Instead, 18 shots on target and 9 goals is promising, our set pieces really seem to be working, and the players are buoyant. Which is the point.
As I encourage the players off the pitch, Steve comes over to me. He hasn’t spoken to me since hiding over the youth team, but I’ve chosen to believe that he’s working on the Senior Affiliate. Who is it going to be? Lyon? Lille? Perhaps we’ll poach the best from our biggest, billionaire owned rivals? No. It won’t be any of those. In fact. As Steve explains through deep breaths and half ready to run away, it won’t be anyone. He says ‘the board’ haven’t been able to find a suitable link. ‘The board’ is an interesting phrase, as Patrice has been on a film set, and David is running literary workshops for disadvantaged kids. Steve’s a lazy bastard.
There isn’t much time to be disappointed. I like to keep the players working, they can rest when they win promotion, and Chevrieres Grandfresnoy make the short trip south a few days later. With no prospect of some young prospects to flesh out our ranks, I’m resigned to using William Baku, the amateur, in the squad. But I do need another centre back, so I start looking at the market, with my ridiculous level of filtering (93 “born in” criteria!). Just 16 players come up in the list, so I offer out 15 trials, ignoring the one already at a club.
This time we don’t let them have a single shot, and again we score 9. I’m beginning to think that I possibly set the bar a little too low for the players to really learn anything about themselves, but it’s too late now. They are happy, they are scoring, they are learning the system. And there is now a busload of centre-backs at the club on trial. I’d like to say I’ll pick the best one, but probably I’ll have to just take the cheapest. Bloody Steve.
For our next visit we face what should be our only real test of pre-season, PSG’s Second team. They have a lot of quality, a lot of quality that I am actively scouting to pick up when they inevitably give up on their development and sign some €300m Brazilian. It’ll be a good test.
We dominate. Which is promising. We have two first half goals chalked off, and we have double their xG. But it’s only a draw, and it’s a goal conceded which I never enjoy. It’s a route one ball from the goalkeeper, which I guess is something to keep an eye on. We get the equaliser through a lovely piece of play from Damien Durand setting Meissa Ba clear, who dinks the goalkeeper. These two will be key to our chances this season.
Unbelievably the players come to in the week to say they want more fitness training. I am pleased with that, I like the commitment. I drop one of the recovery sessions and put in some quickness work. We travel to FC Drouais next, just to the west of Paris and the only test away from home before the season starts.
We get the goals early, and then I remember we have a defensive shape to try out. It works, it closes the game down and the second half flies by without very much happening. That’s what I like when I shut up shop, and we’re half way through our pre-season schedule.
Next up is the visit of Paris Atletico. They play in the fourth tier, and are half our age (although still older than PSG…). They play in a garish, youthful, luminous kit, and play a modern looking 3 at the back, with a DM. Interesting. Of all the triallists I pick former Nice and Dundee man Kevin Gomis. Steve is furious that I’ve gone over the wage bill. I am furious that he expected me to get promoted with three defenders. We welcome him to the club as what should be our only signing of the season, and he goes straight in against Paris Atletico.
It’s another comfortable performance. 3-0 flatters them, with just two shots and an xG of just 0.11. We create 20 chances, and only hit the target 5 times. With Durand and Ba resting we simply aren’t as dangerous. They were first choice already, but they prove their importance all the more when they don’t play.
Club 93 BBG come to town next. They play in the same division as Atletico, so we’ll be looking for a similar performance. The players are really getting to grips with the system now, so Durand comes back in, but we’ll leave Ba out and see what difference it makes. It’s a controlled experiment.
It’s another 3-0, and another solid performance. The opposition xG is dropping game by game, and we are hitting the target more, even if the number of goals is unchanged.
The fitness levels are coming along nicely, and the match sharpness is generally pretty good, apart from the couple of fringe players who have picked up minor injuries. I know I’m pushing the players hard, It’s tiring me out and I’m not even playing. I can tell Steve wants to say something about it, but every time he comes near my I grunt and he scuttles back to the safety of the boardroom. Gazalec are up next, and it wasn’t long ago that they were in Ligue 1.
It’s another win, but not as impressive as we have been. Durand is rested so we lack sparkle, and Gazalec have more chances than I’d like. It’s eventually put beyond the Corsican side’s reach with a spectacular goal from Caidou, after Sparagna picked up a red card for a silly challenge. One more to go.
Our final friendly sees Racing CFF make their way to the Stade Bauer. Steve slides a letter under my door to tell me that Patrice and David will be at the first game of the season, but by the time I’ve squeezed out from behind my desk in the shed he’s scarpered. We aren’t talking. We barely look at each other. I’ll just focus on the players.
It’s another confident, competent win. I’ve prepared them as best I can now, and it’ll be up to them as we head into the season. They’ve earned a 10-day break from the intensity, and I drop to the much softer in-season training schedule. We start with a trip to Boulogne, and everyone will be fully fit by then. It’s been a hard, but good preseason, and we’re ready to go.
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