Standing among the rubble at the Leazes End, looking at the new stand, is a good metaphor for the basketcase Newcastle are in 1989. The first XI look impressive. Strong, powerful, bags of talent. But behind them there isn’t very much. Especially at the sharp end of the pitch. We need a left winger, or a centre midfielder to free up Kevin Brock to play out there, and probably two new forwards as cover for McGhee and Quinn.

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There’s a little money, but not much, so the scouts are dispatched down the leagues to find some talent. There aren’t any hidden gems in this game – Cherno Samba is only three years old, and not on the database – but I have the advantage of having lived through the 1990s. I have a feeling young Ryan Giggs might have a hell of career, for instance, but I’m told in no uncertain terms that the lad is going nowhere. But while my scouts try to find a teenage sensation, Barcelona are splashing a world record fee to bring back their mercurial Argentinian talisman. The UEFA Cup must have been enough for Maradona at Napoli. The drop another £15m for Jean-Pierre Papin. They aren’t messing around. The League Cup draw sends us to Northampton.

Preparation for the season take the form of a 4-game tour of Switzerland. I don’t know why, it doesn’t seem like ideal preparation for a division of big, bruising bastards. But at least the fans won’t have bricks to throw at me, so silver linings and all that. Neuchatal Xamax are up first, and I go with a standard 4-4-2, with Gallacher and Brazil pushing forward on the wings. A win under our belts will settle everyone and get a couple of the fans on board.

The Swiss side are much better than I’ve been led to believe. They start fast and move the ball side to side. Our lads, like most British sides, just want to lump it out to the wingers, and can’t cope. It’s just 8 minutes before their right winger launches it across the pitch, and just as the players get across into position it’s launched back. A short pass between the defenders sets Sutter on his way, and the greyed out little auto-generated player simply doesn’t miss those chances. 1-0.

The second is a corner, which is disappointing. Sutter gets the run on O’Brien and powers a header home. Wholesale changes pick the team up and we hit the post twice, but we don’t deserve anything from the game.

There’s not much of a break before FC Sion want a go at us. Kristensen is knackered, so Dillon comes in after shaking off a knock, and is tasked with covering the back four. We’ll show them what English football is all about; strong, solid, and if necessary, violent.

The first half passes without much incident. We are definitely more solid, and there’s only one shot between the sides, which Micky Quinn drills into the Swiss keeper’s arms. I’ll take a solid, boring team. The second half, though, quickly goes against me. Mirsad Bajic get’s loose down the left and puts in Alain Schonenburger to give the Swiss the lead. Changes can’t halt the momentum, and although there are no more goals, Sion control the game.

The games come thick and fast and it’s Schaffhausen next, who count a young Roberto di Matteo in their ranks. The seniors are all tired now, so we call up a couple of the reserves. We haven’t scored, and we haven’t kept a clean sheet, so I need to fix something. I opt for the latter – keep a clean sheet and we’ve got something to build on. 4-1-4-1 it is.

And it only bloody works! The extra man in midfield controls the game, and the reserves pull off my first win. A lovely passing move between debutant Rob Elliott and Kevin Brock on the left sets Lee Clark free, and he makes no mistake. The second half sees a second goal, as Clark latches on to a poor punch from the Shaffhausen keeper and slots home. Spirits are raised, a system is born, and I make a note on the youngsters. Maybe I don’t need to hit the transfer market quite so urgently.

Two days later and we head into the final game of the tour, at Altstettan. I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of our hosts, but I’m confident after the last time out time out, but I’m confident in the system. The senior’s have had a breather so I bring them all back in. Harsh on Clark perhaps, but he’s only 16 and it’s taken it out of him. He’ll get his chance through the season though.

We bid farewell to Archie Gourlay before that though, £875,000 to Barnsley. He wasn’t in my plans, so it’s money in the bank. Phil Mason also leaves for Bristol Rovers.

Now we’re cooking on gas! It takes Wayne Fereday three minutes to dribble past the entire Swiss team to give us the lead, and while that shocked them awake, after half time we put them to the sword. O’Brien saw his speculative effort fly into the top corner three minutes into the second half, and Kevin Dillon pounced on a rebound just 4 minutes later. I decide against getting carried away and make as many changes as our tired legs will manage. Mark Gill nods in from a corner late on to round it off.

We finish July with the sale of Graeme Carter, also to Barnsley. August sees the return of competitive action, beginning with a visit by West Ham. And, hopefully no more rubble-dodging.

Enjoy the current chart topper Sonia with You’ll Never Stop Me Loving You, because Kylie was between singles…

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